#Idk I've had thoughts about this for years now
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The books and the shows aren't the same thing and?? That's okay?? It doesn't have to be??
Some of the artists haven't even seen the show yet, and maybe won't 🤷♀️ I know I've seen like. The 1st episode and that's it lol. And I really enjoyed it and I think it's really fun
But people tend to separate book fandoms from in screen fandoms, to an extent, at least, bc there ARE differences, and THATS OKAY
They are very connected but they are not the same and I don't understand why people find that so hard to accept?? Like. Genuinely I'm so confused lol
Like if someone was being disrespectful, or trying to whitewash Leah or something horrid then like. Defend her!!! (Do try to be polite tho bc people can and often do change, and they know what they have been taught until they learn more- like for example, a few years ago I had no idea ab anything lgtbq and I peob would have gotten myself canceled bc I had. No idea. Ab any of it. And despite having best intentions in heart i totally would have offended someone, and that would have crushed me, because *i didnt know*. I never would have hurt anyone on purpose, i just didnt realize what COULD hurt others on that specific topic, much less why. But now I identify with it and am learning new things ab jt every day and etc. And that's a super touchy topic for a lot of people and for good reason too! Just try to be kind first, then if they are jerks u can be a jerk back lol. Just give peopke a chnace to get better- and then PLEASE dont hold the past against them ubless they very clearly havent changed mk please please please let people grow and change and get better dont crush them before they can) anti Leah trash is. That. Trash
But why would you attack book Annabeth, just for existing? She was my childhood, and I identified a lot with her as I grew up. And guess what! I also identified with Hazel, and I do so even more now! No matter what race she will be casted as, I'm still going to imagine BOOK Hazel the way I always did. Doesn't mean I won't adore her actress, or appreciate art of the girl playing her role! But would you call me racist for drawing her as African American if her actress, was, say, Asian American? Or drawing Leo as Latino instead of Somoan? Because to me, u less I am being a jerk about it, all I'm doing is drawing the book instead of the show. Idk I'm too sleep deprived to put my thoughts into coherent words lol
I love the posts, where it's like, book Annabeth and show Annabeth holding hands. Those posts are my favorite, both because they are freaking adorable, but also. Because it's equal
They are different aspects of the same person
And
Thats
Okay
You know???
I quite literally grew up reading pjo. I read it at least once every year since I learned HOW to read, *partially on pjo*, until late middle school. I was raised on book Annabeth.
Show Annabeth is new and exciting and adorable and I'm so happy for it and I am very excited for all the people being introduced to it!!!!!!!! However, when I'm writing book pjo, I'm not swaping it out for show scenes, bc they are, in fact, different. Which, again, NOT A BAD THING. And you know what? When people from the show fandom write their scenes, they aren't going to be thinking ab the book scenes, and THATS OKAY TOO!!! And I could care less how my readers saw my characters when the read the story. I write them the way I imagine them, but it's their job as the reader to say 'no, actually :P' and swap out the appearance for one they liked better.
I did that plenty often as a kid, and i donf regeret it.
Which, ironically enough, was why my book Percy was blond until ab 6th grads XD I mixed up Luke and Percy's hair description ONCE and just. Never questioned it, though all the rereads, or looking at the covers of the books 💀 you can imagine my shock when I joined the fandom and found out Percy had black hair, instead of sandy hair like, you know, S A N D, like poseidon!!! And now show Percy is blond XD
That just proves people can imagine things how they want and jts okay- especially bc maybe, in an au, they're rifht!!! (Au being show Percy to me)
Anyways I lost my train of thought and it's almost 12 here lolll I hope I didn't say anything ill be embarrassed by come tomorrow~
Good night world :3
Hi guys, wanted to discuss something going on for a while now. What the hell is wrong with pjotwt? Like...whats wrong with this people? Do you see what they say? What they are even trying to do?
First of all, let me start by speaking about the cast. They are all wonderful children, Leah especially! She is doing an amazing job as Annabeth. But book Annabeth still exists yk? She is and she is literally white. It is not racist. But denying about a character being white in the books, even spreading hate like this...is racist. There are people out there related with Annabeth for years. People love her, every version, maybe book more maybe even the movie. How can you disrespect her like this? And most importantly, how can they attack an artist like this, with an art being so beautiful. What they are trying to do is not protecting Leah, it is spreading hate. It is awful. Making this fandom toxic, so so much.
Them trying to erase book Annabeth because she is white, trying to cover her by painting on her, shaming artists, calling people that loves her racist...What do we do about this in pjo fandom? This fandom used to be so beautiful, but now. This people are not part of the fandom in my eyes, because real fans, would respect every version of the characters, love them with their anything, even flaws. They would protect this characters because they love them, so much. And not to mention this characters are the ones Rick wrote 20 years ago, they were with us for so long.
What do tumblr think about this I wonder? Since pjo fandom is pretty active here :3
#is it so hard to just like love them all? i consider all versions of the pjo characters canon. who says that there only has to be one canon?#ramblings with regina#thd show and the books are dif and thags how its SUPPOSED TK BE#ITS OKAY#and so are everones interpretations :÷#let them coexhsist as they shoulddddd#im not giving up my book annie for show and- OR VICE VERSA#THEY ARE TBE WAY THEY ARE MEANT TO BE#LOVS THEM FHEG ARE AMAZING AND BEAUFIFUL#and so are everyones interperetaions :3#i enjoy seeing posts that play around with dif nationalities dor all of the characters#anyways cutting off b4 i ramble again gn~
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Hi! This is not a request or anything like that, I just want to share an annoyance I've had recently and I don't feel like any other side of Tumblr can understand/ relate to it. (I also don't except a reply, I just need to rant a little).
I have a thing for ghosts, like the supernatural kind. Absolutely love it so much, and it's usually hard to come by stories (spicy stories) written about / with ghosts. So when I find someone posting about it, I follow and bookmark if the stories are good (which I've done with your blog! Absolutely LOVE your ghost stories)
However, in the last few years, the game "Gall Of Duty" have had a rise in fame with one of their characters named 'Ghost', so now when I'm searching for stories about spicy ghosts, I find 95% of them are about that character.
Don't get me wrong, I do have a mask-kink and there are some really good stories about it out there. It just makes it a lot harder to find stories about supernatural ghosts, cause when I search for it I have to spend a good amount of time weeding out the character from the supernatural.
And yes, I know I can add 'supernatural' to my tagged searches, but not all stories about ghosts are tagged with the supernatural (often, oddly enough, are the stories not tagged with that).
And because I have ADD, my brain doesn't always put ghosts under the category 'monsters', so I kinda forgett to add that to my searches as well.
It's just a small annoyance, I do admit that. But it's just annoying when i am in the mood and kinda just want to to do a quick search and then ending up spending a couple of hours trying to find what I actually am looking for.
Idk, just thought someone could relate, and maybe have some tips?
Lots of love?
X
Hi anon! I understand the frustration, I'd say your best bet is to block the Call of Duty tag so those don't show, or maybe follow the monster blogs to find the stuff directly from the source. I don't know if those advice would work, maybe someone else has an idea. :)
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sa ramblings under here, specifically about sa and pregnancy
nobody is asking for my opinion on this but its something i've thought about all my life. which is that i'd probably carry a rapists baby to term if i had the choice and resources at the time. cuz i want a kid and i don't want to have sex or pay for fertilization or anything. and if it already happened then. well. might as well get something i want out of it.
this is not a take about abortion btw. it's just something about me that's always been the case. i know that conservative freaks want to force people to give birth to rapists babies which is like. awful and disgusting. but it's always made me uncomfortable how people will go to the extreme opposite and say shit like "who would EVER want to CARRY their RAPISTS BABY that's DISGUSTING and EVIL" like idk. me i guess. what happened to it being about choice. you don't have to paint it as an inherently degrading and repulsive and weak thing to choose.
obviously this is hypothetical to me right now, maybe if it actually happened i'd change my mind. but i've been repulsed by the idea of having sex with someone for as long as i can remember, i would think about it a lot as a kid because i didnt WANT to have sex, but i DID want kids, and i did want to get pregnant, and i never knew if i'd have the money to use a donor. plus donors are like, their own whole bag of worms.
so like as a 13 year old i was basically thinking it was the only way to get what i wanted i guess? like i'd get a kid and not have to be stuck with a partner. and yeah i'd get raped, but at the time rape seemed almost inevitable, because my dad was so obsessed with telling me that i specifically was going to be raped.
anyway i might delete this later cuz i know no one on the internet can read, but it's been on my mind i guess. probably cuz my friend told me about people getting mad about a mouthwashing fan comic where anya kept the lil fetus lmao. i haven't seen it so i can't judge it but as someone who wants kids, regardless of how they come to me, i find the knee jerk reaction that its an inherently disgusting, degrading decision to make or write about a little weird. as though it would be conceding to the rapist somehow to decide to have the kid.
to me the choice to keep it or abort it has always been key, and it's the ability to chose that turns it into something empowering. which is why you should always have that choice and not be shame for it either way.
like, if you abort it it's like congrats! you flushed the parasite out of your system and don't have to fear or worry about that anymore! and if you keep it, it's like, someone tried to hurt me and i turned it into something to treasure. but if you don't have a choice either way, that's when it's horrific and degrading. whatever :p
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now that I've finished datv.. i have some first pass thoughts
spolers below
first of all why is this game trying so hard to rehabilitate in-universe controversial aspects? I mean like. Slavery in Tevinter. It's swept under the rug with a few lukewarm platitudes and codices about how it's being addressed off-screen. Previous games have established how horrific it is, but the tevinter we see in veilguard doesn't reflect that at all. it feels dismissive of a lot of major setting and character development. Same with the antivan crows! they were described as a brutal, cruel organization but now they're the underdog protectors? Sure, there was family drama and a few mentions of how cut-throat things HAD been before, but we don't get to *see* any of that. illario was weak as an example of this bc he was the only thing to be shown as bad. There's no tangible impact.
it seems like a feeble attempt to make sure the players understand that the writers do not condone the unsavory aspects of the setting and characters, while making everything a Teachable Moment. honestly half of the game felt like a psa on extremely basic ethics, like surface-level shit children already know.
on top of that, idk why the game is trying so hard to therapize the player via companions' emotional journeys. The extremely basic and direct "your feelings matter and it's okay to feel your feelings! " scenarios were so repetitive and cringe. Sesame street level bullshit. am i crazy for expecting a more mature and nuanced approach to emotional struggle??? I swear previous games were better at this
also fuck all of southern thedas, it's cooked. hope yall didn't care!
Anyway.
ive only played through Neve's romance and i chose her bc she talks and acts like an adult and not a flustered teenager like harding, or a quirky mpdg like bellara. I liked it, it was fine. no strong feelings about it tho.
I didnt consider Taash as a romance option bc they act like a petulant child most of the time and that's just not fun for me.. and I don't love that Taash seems more like a prop for Gender Ideology 101 rather than being a fully complex character who is working through a gender identity crisis. I am not trans and cannot fully speak to this but as someone who knows more than the absolute basics of gender ideology, their story felt patronizing.
the boys are... fine, I guess. I wrecked treviso so I think i got locked out of some Lucanis stuff but his possession just isn't as compelling as previous characters who have been possessed. Davrin is fine, inoffensive. Emmerich is funny I do like him, Manfred is delightful.
I played as an elf bc I hoped it'd be extra relevant to the story, what with the Big Bad(s) being evanuris. it didn't matter at all. the crossroads doesn't even look different for an elf character like it did in Trespasser.
I expected everything to drive torward making Solas out to being a Good Guy Actually, and it kind of did. but super aggravating for have phantom varric to say that after being actually murdered by him like damn!! you are just gonna let that guy walk all over you bc yall were friends for a short while a decade ago. Where was that sympathy for Anders??
varric being a figment of rook's imagination the whole time was a fun reveal, tho.
siiigghhh. but listen. there were things I liked about the game, too. the gameplay is fun. the environments are GORGEOUS. the characters look good, i think the art style is fine actually. the character creator is great (except those qunari fiveheads RIP)
a lot of the banter and jokes did genuinely make me laugh, and i did like exploring maps and interacting with the new companions generally.
I havent given a lot of thought to it but I think a lot of the plot-related issues i have could've been solved by just setting the game like, 100 years in the future. All of the questionable and unsavory aspects of the cultures the game tries SO hard to diminish and write off would've had time to be organically rectified in-universe. I guess.
well. whatever.
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they're your friends, your family, people you meet just once and never see again, people you see so many times but never utter a word to each other, your pets, your house, your favorite blanket, ect.
I think soulmates are real but they r made not found and also they are your friends
#I soully believe that soulmates are the things and people that you need the most#At any given moment#Like#I needed to talk to that person in Walmart#It made my day#We were meant to talk to each other#I was meant to stop walking and pet that cat#That cat was there for me to pet in that moment#Does this make sense#Yeah soulmates can be romantic#But you don'y just have one(1) soulmate#You can have a bunch of partners and still know that you needed each of them#Each of them could have been a super important chapter in your life that was necessary#Therefore they were your soulmates#Your soul needed to meet them and mingle in a certain way#Same goes for platonic relationships#Since I'm demiaro#You can have a bunch of best friends or just friends that pass along as you live your life#Just because you're no longer friends doesn't mean they're not your soulmate#Just means the thing that your souls were created to do together had ended#And I would go farther and say that everyone is your soulmate#But it's just the things and people that really stick with you#That you're always going to remember#Or forget but still feel in your chest#Idk I've had thoughts about this for years now
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but who told them all my distorted thoughts lmao
#miraculous ladybug#marigami#ladynoir#kagami#perfection#neurodivergent#autism#adhd#audhd#unmasking#mlb#mlb s5#mlb caps#mlb capspam#and not ladybug trying to be a CBT therapist or something lol#i think DBT might help you more kagami chan#i know distorted thoughts is a CBT term but i'm just starting to explore DBT#what's their term automatic negative thoughts or something? that does make more sense#i don't wish anyone would disappear i just always isolate myself#and used to feel sad about it but now it feels kind of peaceful#i still have my family though so that helps#but i've accepted i don't have the energy to be social right now i only have enough capacity for work and family#and maybe someday i can try to (re)build friendships again idk#just like kagami i don't know how to be : (#i do also hate being perceived and wish i could be a hermit sometimes lol#i used to be so certain about what the “perfect” i wanted to strive for was and had so many rules for myself in order to appear acceptable#but now that i know i was being excessively literal and perfect doesn't exist - i don't know what's acceptable or safe or “normal” enough#i feel like i'm in a cocoon or something trying to figure out who i am#but i'm so different from how i was when i was trying to be perfect idk if anyone will like or accept this version of me#i'm also so shell shocked from life the past few years everything is hard lol
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Be careful with adrenal supplements it turns out that shit makes you produce adrenaline and my ass got paranoid that I had mad cow disease (I'm a vegetarian) and I almost threw up realizing a bear could fit through my window if he wanted (I live in a major city)
#dw this was like 5 years ago lmao#only bears I've seen out here are some pretty nice dudes#but yeah any scary thought i had my brain was just like “nope it's real and it's now!”#chronic pain#chronic illness#disability#cfs#fibromyalgia#chronic fаtiguе ѕуndrоmе#actually disabled#spoonie#me/cfs#cfs/me#long covid#the mad cow was bc the caps turned out to have gelatin and i got paranoid abt it being sourced from like#an infected cow i guess??#idfk about the bear#i also had thoughts about riots. break ins. being robbed#idk where i heard to take adrenal supplements for cfs might've been a book but uhh wrong choice
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next // previous
august 26, 2021 4:00 a.m. a balcony, somewhere
time somehow seems to simultaneously slow to a crawl and race beyond the speed of light. grant doesn’t remember when they’d ended up perched like lovebirds at the pinnacle of a staircase, peering out over the night-drenched landscape, but it must have been a while ago. customers have long since stopped streaming in and out of the restaurant on the street below.
he remembers in better detail the stream of their conversation–they’d shifted from food and a strangely peaceful, humorous discussion of kicking the bucket to movies, and at some point, paranormal stories came up along the way.
it’d be hard to forget talking to yunha.
there’s something curiously enrapturing about her, something that had drawn him to her when he first made eye-contact with her.
the look in her eyes, maybe. it’s piercing, like she’s baring right through your skin and into your soul, but not malicious or judgmental. it’s friendly, it’s curious, it’s playful.
the way she speaks, maybe. she’s the most engaged conversationalist he’s ever encountered. everything you say, whether she agrees or disagrees, is met with affirmations and a lot of nodding. yes, yes, of course. i see, i see. i understand. ohhh, wow! really?
she’s unraveling every shard of the puzzle that is his personality and piecing it back together in one whole picture, analyzing it. figuring it out. appreciating it.
or maybe it’s the sweetness that radiates off her. she appears unafraid to smile, instead all too happy to flash those pretty, crooked bunny teeth for the world to see.
“so, i'm going to guess you’re not accidentally good at singing.”
she seems not to mind revealing her own puzzle pieces either, and the more she says about herself, the more fascinated he is with her. with who she is. with what makes her tick.
“i hope it’s not an accident,” yunha replies, laughing, “because shit, then years worth of practice was a waste.”
“time enjoyed is never time wasted.”
the unabashed cringe of the line garners an immediate eye roll, but she still seems to find it funny.
they’ve definitely been sitting here a while. grant straightens his back, fixing his gradually slouching posture, and is is met with an immediate flash of pain, distinct from the chronic dull ache underlying every day of his life, that radiates down every vertebra.
“what got you into music, though?”
yunha’s rosy pink lips purse in thought as she dwells on the question.
“a lot of things. my parents like music. i listened to a lot of different kinds of songs my whole life, first with them, and then later with my friends. i had some time between classes and studying to spend having fun, but i couldn't spend any money, so my friends and i would go to this music store. we walked around and picked random albums to listen to on the headphones. we never bought anything.”
grant nods supportively. “what’s, like, the first album you remember really liking? or albums. you don’t have to pick one.”
“ah! i treasure so many albums. seo taiji and boys IV. i think that’s still my favorite nostalgic album ever. i also remember fondly, um, this girl’s in love with you by aretha franklin. i heard that at the music store, and i was so impressed by her talent. i still am.”
“i'm not a music expert. surprise! i know, i know, i'm sorry to tell you, i did not practice for centuries for that wonderful spice girls performance earlier. no, but seriously, i most often just listen to the same old emo stuff i liked when i was 13. so, unfortunately i don’t know the first album at all, at least not yet, but i do know the second one. you have fantastic taste, that’s a classic.”
despite his ignorance, yunha still smiles from ear to ear. “you should look up the first one! look up, like, seo taiji ‘come back home.’ that’s the most popular song on the album. i don’t wanna bias you, so listen on your own and make your own opinions.”
“wilco. and if you don’t mind me asking, how’d you turn the interest in music into a skill? you are talented, but i know it's very much a skill. it does take a lot of practice to become tangibly good at music.”
“to express myself,” yunha says plainly, “it’s easier to tell your story in art than talking about it, and singing is free. you don’t need supplies to learn it. but yes, i needed that kind of outlet, you know? i always liked singing, always did it, but i needed more than only entertainment from it over time.”
“oh yeah, art is helpful. i really should have gotten on that train earlier. i got on board about a year ago. it's much better for you than intellectualizing everything. or at least that's what i tend to do. do you perform, by the way? outside of karaoke, that is."
"sometimes. but also, not in a long time."
there falls a brief, but peaceful lull in the conversation. grant’s eyes draw to black night sky as he recalls the last haphazard art he’d created–the mushy-gushy attempt at processing the universe. seeing it hanging above him now, his thoughts are no less conflicting. light pollution washes out the shining sea of stars, but the sky still retains its beauty, its bewilderment. visible or not, an infinite chain of dimensions and celestial bodies exist in the vacuum of space, orbiting independent of him, yet factoring in the tiny fraction of his mass on the mass of the earth in their delicate ballerina dance across the fabric of spacetime.
the universe must have created me for some reason, for something other than anguish.
his own words. again. ever-present.
“i miss seeing the stars.” yunha’s buttery soft voice breaks his concentration. “you can’t see anything here.”
“polaris.” grant raises his left arm and draws his index finger across the sky until it hovers above the only star he’s seen thus far. “technically, that means we should be able to see sirius, too, but we don’t need to get all science-y and talk about magnitude and that polaris isn’t–”
“i would like it if you did.”
she was thinking of the stars, too.
synchronicity.
“aw shucks! well. i’ll say this, polaris isn’t the brightest star. we just talk about it way more frequently because it has the most cultural significance in the northern hemisphere for, you know, navigation reasons. but hey, give it about 12,000 more years, and it even won’t be the north star anymore. thank you, wobbly earth axis. but also boo, woobly earth axis, because it's a little sad to think about.”
yunha’s eyes glitter with fascination. “it’ll be something else?”
“yep! the next north star will be vega,” he explains, “come on down, you’re the next contestant!”
“maybe we’ll see it happen.”
“if my consciousness is still floating around as little dust particles, that’d be pretty sick. you know? forget fly me to the moon, fly me to vega. why not?”
“i don’t think i'll be dust,” yunha says, not missing a beat at all, even as her focus remains fixed on the faintest twinkle emanating from polaris, “it’s kind of troubling. you don’t want to be, like, stuck in the whole cycle of the universe, but if you’re still here, you can see some really beautiful things.”
“ah. reincarnation?”
“if you’re asking me, you’re not going to be dust. either you escape the suffering or you come back in some kind of physical form, human or not, and you try again.”
grant thinks about it for a moment. and then the feelings, like usual, spill out at once.
“i'm not going to lie, that idea has always given me the heebie-jeebies. i think it’s very cool as a concept, but i'm, like, man, i don’t want to do this shit again. also, look, we're doing the thing again. oh, and shit, that sounded judgmental. i just run my mouth too much."
"most people don't know they lived before. you can't really remember your other lives without a lot of study," she answers, "and no, you don't. i prefer to hear your real opinion. it's actually stupid when people tell you what they think you want to hear."
"do you ever wonder what you were up to last go-around?"
"not too much, but i always heard strange birthmarks and scars are signs from your last death. fears, too. things you avoid. so, i guess, like, a clown stabbed me in the neck with needles."
"are you afraid of storm drains, by any chance? if so, i think pennywise had it out for you."
"hahaha." yunha shakes her head. "wait, i have to ask. is it not worse thinking you can only live once? that's not uncomfortable? feeling like you have to make everything perfect in your one lifetime?"
"oh no, it's terrifying. dying and just being done with everything is eerie, too, because there are nice things to do and see here in the real world. you’re right about that. and yeah, there is a lot of pressure to get it all right. also, that's not even mentioning that there are people i love that i don’t want to be gone forever. i'd like to think they remain somehow. conscious or not. i kind of think they do, but i don’t know. am i contradicting myself? capital-P probably."
“you don’t know what to think.”
grant immediately bursts out laughing. “yeah, no, absolutely not. i do not know. i just kinda waffle around and hope some scientist throws out some numbers and whatnot that proves some explanation of everything correct. but that’s impossible. it’s literally impossible. we can’t even simulate or predict the wacky physics that were going on at the exact moment the big bang happened.”
“not to be, like, all quirky, but...” yunha reaches over, patting him on the shoulder. “maybe don’t think about it? you’re gonna go crazy. you can just not know? and it's fine. this doesn’t mean anything anyway. the answer to anything is already in you, it’s not out there.”
and then she, too, starts giggling all over again and her cheeks blush deep red from sheepish cringe.
another stereotypical line, but he doesn't mind. they sound better coming from her than him anyhow.
a second later and she checks the time on her phone. her cheesy smile erodes into a slight frown.
“ahh, i really need to leave soon. i have a schedule in the morning.”
grant checks the time as well, drawing the sleeve of his hoodie up just enough to read the minuscule roman numerals on his watch.
on the watch an ex-girlfriend gifted him. not päivi, but...
4:00 a.m.
fuck.
right.
you’re leaving the country in two hours.
#ts4#the sims 4#sims 4#sims 4 story#sims 4 storytelling#simblr#hlcn: everything the stars promised#GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS#*screams into the void*#i have too many thoughts and i need to WATCH IT in my tags gushing because i will reveal too much either way#all i'm gonna say for now is ermmmmm i've been thinking about these scenes for literal years and i am pretty happy with how they came out#also i needed to advance the plot a bit for [REDACTED] story elements hence the unusual conversations#but nonetheless i love people getting to be a little funky and weird with each other and idk i've had similar encounters with random people#classmates and whatnot and you just find yourself talking about topics that are hard to get into but somehow you did#holocene.docx#holocene.png#hlcn: grant#hlcn: yunha
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🫖🐭☁️🍚
#so i did meet my old friend from years ago yesterday. i was sooooo nervous omgggg. and i was waiting outside the café we agreed on#and then saw them walk in and i was like omgggg. the anxiety... but then i gathered courage and walked towards it and thry saw me thru the#window and came out and immediately hugged me. then they were like 'omg i've been so nervous. even more than before like a date!!'#so that made me relax a bit. i feel like i dont really fully estimate what i mean to them. maybe they care about me as well haha !!#then we just got our stuff and i chose a smoothie and was ready to pay but they just got it with their stuff (they work at this chain so#they got a discount). i feel so so bad & anxious when someone else pays for me. like i feel like a burden#but i asked twice if i should send them money for it and they were like no that's fine. so i had to tell myself to just shut up abt it 🥲#bc if u keep asking u make it into a thing and make them uncomfortable etc. so i really appreciated that and it was nice even if i felt bad#but yeah then we just sat down and talked. and it was so much easier to talk to them than i had been worried abt#like it flew nicely and yeah.. i feel like i forgot a lot abt them. like they're good at conversating. so they kept it going & even if i was#awkward it was fine for them. i did however get swept up in my own anxiety so as they asked me questions i answered#but then was too whirlwindy so i didnt really ask as much back and there were things i wanted to ask but didnt :')))#then they had cards and a card game with them. so we played for a bit too. and it was a lot of fun!!! (i was anxious and kinda slow lmao#bc when i dont know smth or the rules etc already my brain stops working so yeah.. even if it was simple games i was like um um what do i do#felt stupid but yeah again they didnt do anyhing to contribute to me feeling stupid but i still felt slow >.<#but i still thought that was so much fun. i wanna do more of that T-T like yeah...that was nice#then we took a lil longer walk to a bus stop before hastily said goodbye bc the busses came T-T#it was really really really nice tho. i have missed them a lot#and i didnt .. think we would ever see eachother again. i really didnt think this could happen#im so glad i somehow got brave enough to message them and im so so glad they wanted to see me too#i cant help but wish i could go back to when we were younger#and we spent every day in school together and messaged during the days and evenings and spent sm time together#when we went into the city like several times a week and took long walks. ahh... well. im glad we got to have those moments#& idk what will happen now. i really really want to see them again. even if we'll never be that close friends again i'd *wish* that we could#still be in touch. but im so bad at replying which doesnt go over great with them.. i'll try my best to reply quicker to them#*if* they message me. sadly i cant erase my avpd but i'll try my best to reply faster if and when they message)#they also complimented my sweater i was wearing (which is my fav sweater) !!!! and yeah.. they looked so cool. which they always have#and i kept thinking abt how nice their eye makeup was (i was too shy to compliment it tho bc im really bad at like 'nice' affectionate and#anything feeling related. like im so bad... so i couldnt say anything </3)#ugh it was just so nice to sit and talk with them. im so glad i went despite my fears. bc this was so good and nice :')))
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Sparkstember Day 25: Hippopotamus (What The Hell Is It This Time?)
My Hippopotamus rant is here. I love Hippo and I think this was one of the best examples of how putting something off for later can be a very good idea sometimes. So I didn't hear most of it until this summer, and hearing the whole album then was one of the biggest highlights of that time. Thank you modern era Sparks for always bringing us the awesomest music ever.
#hippopotamus my beloveddddddd. also i like this drawing a lot!!! :)#i actually managed to make the letters and fire look pretty close to what they're like in the music video so that's pretty epic#anyways my favs are still roughly the same. but lately i've been also really enjoying probably nothing. beautiful somg#and now it's tagent(s) time because i thought it would be fun to buy a hippo plushie for this day and pose it for a photo#but well i don't even have this album physically so idk what other cool way i could have done this in#and yeah i mostly wanted to get something hippo-themed anyway#because a while ago i had to pass up on very awesome socks with hippos on them because they didn't have the right size#and i'm still thinking about them sometimes (i'm the biggest fan of fun socks)#ALSO... my original original plan for hippo (and ecotd tbh)#was to wait with them until something epic and sparks-related was happening. like travelling to see them on tour#well that didn't happen as we all know so. moved on from that idea eventually#but the future is bright anyway because i love modern era sparks sm and i can actually look forward to new albums coming out soon-ish#from both of my biggest favs AND another band that i've been getting into lately so uhhhh if not 2024#then can please at least 2025 be the year of awesomeness and amazingness that i've been waiting for?!?!?#ok this isn't even about hippo anymore so i'll just finish now#sparkstember 2024#my art#goose monologues
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i'm thinking about making a pinned post but for now, hiii i've gained enough confidence to write and post said writing so here's a link to my first ever post on AO3 (its a valenwind fic for my fellow VW warriors).
i'd like to use tumblr to connect more with fellow squeenix fans because i lowkey miss having mutuals/people to talk to </3
#i miss being a teen on tumblr who had the courage to just message their favorite artists and writers#i've loved KH and FF7 since i was like... 10 years old#replaying and thinking about these games now more than a decade later is like#woah i have new ideas now that my frontal lobe developed#also SOMEHOW valenwind is not getting as much traction as i thought#hopefully the third part of the remake will remedy that...#until then i will be yapping about them because i love valenwind so much <3#ok here are some tags so people find this teehee#valenwind#cid highwind#vincent valentine#final fantasy 7#ff7#ffvii#final fantasy vii#cidvin#idk why people even use cidvin not being a hater valenwind just sounds so much nicer
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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#idk if it's because i've given autism a very in depth look now or if i just always been like this and never really thought about it#but i'm finding it harder and harder to match my feelings to what i guess i'm supposed to feel?#like when something sad happens and i have no reaction to it#it's not that i'm not sad or that i'm glad it's happening but i just have no feelings?#which in turn bring put feelings of guilt because i'm not sad or worried enough...#it's such a weird experience and i'm of course not saying that autistic people have no feelings#that's so not what i'm saying#but it is a trait of autism to have difficulty pinpointing what you feel and also difficulty expressing it in ways other people usually doit#so perhaps it is because i've learned about that that I'm accepting that maybe i just don't feel things ''the normal way''#but i'm having a weird one tonight because my mom had to leave because of an emergency with my grandma#and it's 1am right now#and i am worried. of course i am. I don't want my grandma to suffer (although i have accepted she's not gonna live much longer)#but i still don't want her to die obviously#and most importantly I don't want my mom to have to go through that... to see her mother die? that's horrible#i'm obviously sad and worried#yet i'm sitting here drinking coffee and laughing at funny videos like nothing's happening#and i feel fine... like as if my mom was just sleeping at home like every night and not at a hospital visiting her dying mother...#and i know that years back i would have gone ''what the fuck is wrong with me?!'' and perhaps maybe forced myself to feel worse#or to cry or whatever because I can't be chill when something bad is happening...#and maybe i'll feel that way when my mom is back because I can't be calm and happy is she's sad#that would be rubbing it in her face#so maybe i'll feel more guilty then?#idk it's a weird feeling that i wanted to put into words#mostly for when it happens again i'll have a record of it somewhere#idk#angel talks#personal
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the rory and logan break up but make it jily
#it makes sense in my head#and like#hear me out#ok so like we bring in the end of the revival#and lily finds out she's pregnant a few weeks after she says no to james' proposal#and she doesn't tell him about it because she doesn't know How#and then years later they see each other again#they're both with different people#and it's just like oh#not in a romantic way#i dont think they'd get back together#but like i've thought about sad james with harry we know this#and i've thought about james finding out years later after harry was born that he had a kid#and he just thinks it's his fault and his horrible mental health that made it so his relationship with his son is nonexistent#like it hurts#and i think about it a lot#anyway#im watching the last episode of gilmore girls now#and i dont normally have jily thoughts#but this one#idk i just was watching the scene and thought huh... jily
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i also think it's kinda cool how tyler makes me want to learn stuff
#y'all think i just sit here and reblog pictures of him but no#i started playing uke again after such a long break only because of HIM#i used to be so scared of barre chords that i never even tried to learn them i was just avoiding all the songs with barre chords#then i learned tear in my heart and i stopped being so scared#i figured out all the chords to saturday just from this one video which i thought would be damn hard but it wasn't#he makes it all look so easy#i don't know#he inspires me pretty much every day#i always think to myself: if he can do it i can do it too#i love him so much i can't even explain it#it may sound stupid to you but yes this man is the reason i want to get better at things even if it's gonna take years#one step at a time#i also want to try to learn new stuff#like i painted my jacket and i was never an artist but i had so much fun i am going to make more stuff in the future#i also wanna try to write again (i used to write a lot when i was a teenager) idk idk#tyler joseph the man that you are#i don't think i've ever felt this way about any artist really#i was mostly just consuming the content but now i actually wanna do stuff and idk#if that makes sense#but yeah#but sincerely can you hear me?*
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trembling in my boots at the prospect of being able to tell you guys about [redacted] project like it's not even art but you best believe I'll be posting about it on every single blog i have if it comes to fruition
#not art#sorry to be a tease about it but lakdfjhgsfgksjahsdfkjashldfkjhasdlgfas#got a really auspicious email this morning#we're coming closer to the possibility of this being real#and i'm hardly able to contain myself#i won't know for some time to be fair and even if it gets the thumbs up it'll be a while still before it's like#available#but i genuinely never thought this would get this far and i'm coming face to face right now with the fact#that the dream i've had since i was like 8 years old might be coming true#like let this be your sign never to give up on a dream#might be a platitude but in this case i'm all in on it#idk if i'm going to sleep tonight lmaooooooo going to be checking my email a million times a day until i hear back#i would say more specifics but i don't want to jinx it#i'm running on luck as it is#ok i love you goodbye
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